My niece turns one in a week. She walks around the house and busies herself with what she shouldn’t - throwing what she sets her hands on after her mouth disagrees with it, opening and closing drawers like she placed her belongings in them, and the worst of all, accessing my journal.
When left on a table after I finish writing (I tend to forget about her vast curiosity,) she immediately finds herself tearing off the pages and running from me in the act. Below, are notes from my journal from the pages she has cut off over the last few months. I may lose the pages in the future, but its content will remain here.
Despite your desire to be a constant source of goodness to the people with whom you cross paths with, there are moments in which you hurt those around you, the ones you care about - even if it is subconsciously so. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person nor does it make you any less human. If anything, it makes you wholly human. Mistakes only proves that you are human and uncontrolled by the universe. You are your own being.
Not a single relationship comes without its trials and tribulations, its own wars and its struggles. From the relationship you share with your parents and siblings, teachers and colleagues, to the ones you share with your friends and lovers. They all have both their bright and dull days. But remember, when the days are dull, it is not for forever. You stay and you walk towards brighter days (though sometimes it may be way too slow for your pace.) Because the thing about relationships is that you can’t only stay during the sunny days and run during the stormy ones. But you must also remember, you only stay when the good outweighs the bad.
To know oneself, is to know the good and bad that exists within you. You are not always in the right. You are not always the victim. You are not always the one deserving of an apology. Take a step back, observe how, when and why. Reflect on the situation, put yourself in the other persons shoes. Be open minded. When criticized, it is not always to cause ill. Sometimes it is a constructive criticism.
Was it worth it if we were not going to fight for it? We started talking in January. I kinda liked him by March. Liked liked him by May and by June I was as jolly as a child. One in a backyard, encircled by sand and grabbing hold of it with my right palm - desiring to show it love. Yet without a chance to give it enough admiration, it slipped through my fingers despite the excess strength I put into holding it firm. July and August were spent searching for the same sand that ran through my fingers. September came with strength that kicked me off my knees, knowing that someday, another will pick up the same sand that once rested in my palm. But it will not be all. For my hand still holds grains of his sand. These are the pieces of him, that will forever be mine.
You forgive for yourself, even if they don’t give an apology. The act of forgiveness is so strong and powerful and you must not be stingy with it. There is a deep sense of peace that comes with forgiving. Simply letting go. You possess great power when you forgive. And when it is hard to do so, that is when you should fight to find the strength within you to forgive. However, forgiving has little to do with reconnecting - if any at all. To forgive does not mean to reconnect.
Do you love people for how they make you feel or would that be an act of selfishness - only giving care to your feelings?
Speak your mind. Be tender with your words when doing so. Do not go to sleep with an ill heart over anyone.
You are yet to master the art and skill of emotional intelligence. You still find yourself unbothered by what should bother you. You get over things quickly. You justify this by saying you can’t remain in the same space for too long because time waits for no child. But stay a while longer, let that ache take its toll on you. Let you heart ache as much as you let it sing.
I am so proud of your strength tonight. You did it. You did not reopen that door you fought so hard to close, even when he came banging too loudly. You stood still at the other end, rested your head on the door, and asked him to leave. Even when he pled, you knew that it’s always like this. A never ending circle that only revolves around the same displeasures. You did the right thing for yourself tonight.
You spend your nights wondering how to heal a wound given by God because you have forgotten about His promise. God is good and you know this. He has been good to you for as long as you existed. You know of the balance of good and evil. You know that is is what makes life what it is. You wonder how to heal a wound given by God because you have forgotten that this life is only temporary. You wonder how you heal a wound given by God because you have forgotten that they are merely tests that reoccur after one another. You wonder how to heal a wound given by God because you have forgotten about the irony of life. You heal a wound given by God by remembering and returning to Him.
Listening is work. And it is very different from hearing. Listen attentively, focus of what your speaker is saying and expressing through his/her body language. Do not be too hasty to speak either. If you are careful, you’ll learn a thing or two, understand the speaker more, and make them feel valued. Because a lot of people only wait their turn to speak. So you must be an active listener.
Work on knowing when and how to put your pride aside and for whom. It runs in your veins? Okay. It will remain there. But you have white blood cells. Instead on thinking of them as your biology books taught you to, think of them as an agent that will fight your pride when necessary. Allow your heart to guide you through this process because though your mind has power over it, it is the only thing that possesses emotions that will not lead to regret (I guess)
The year comes to an end soon. 12 months went by like 12 weeks. Each came with its own woe. Each trying to outdo the previous. And in each, you conquered its war. Over the year, you have learnt a lot about yourself. Your strengths, your weaknesses, wants and dislikes; and you have surrounded yourself around people with whom you share both common and diverse minds and goals while guiding and aiding you towards who you genuinely wish to become. You overcame some of your fears, tried new things, learnt how to say “I’m sorry but no” when your resources and energy does not align with the requested task. You listened to new music from artists you did not even know existed, worked on your creativity and relationships, read very diverse genres of books, you lost and you gained - as everyone else all did. Aren’t you grateful?
You are ending this year with the same energy as you began it. Enthusiastic, curious, ambitious, brave, bolder and wiser. Whatever transpired in between was merely a transition to richer blessing, healthier ways, and more growth.
Tomorrow marks a new year. It is not your year or the year. It is a year like all the others that passed before it. And you will make the most of it as you did with the others before it.
HAPPY 2021
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