Dear 2019,

The other day, I came across a tweet that asked, “if you could delete one year from your life, what year would it be?” My answer was you.

I apologize if that offends you. I promise that it is not my intention. And I beg you to not consider me ungrateful for the kind, supportive, lovely and remarkable people you have brought into my life. Or the life-changing experiences you brought my way. Or even the heart-aching lessons you thought me over the year.

When I started this letter - when I wrote the first paragraph to be precise - I had not reflected on you. I did wish that you would be the one I’d deleted from my life; but perhaps you were who I needed.

You came to me in a form of a bitter-sweet being. There were saddening, yet so much lovely memories from the one who came before you; but you managed to take all of that away. You brought my whole family together in the early festive season of our twelve-month long relationship. You started out so good to me. It was almost unbelievable.

But then, a month after I blew out eighteen candles on a pink and gray three-layer cake from Sally’s Sweetness Galore, it was as if you became a whole new being. An unknown being.

Today, I know that you were merely teaching me important life lessons, preparing me for what or who is to come after you, building a stronger version of me, widening my horizons, and making me whole.

In the fourth month of our relationship, you brought one of my mentors to The Gambia, allowed me to spend three weeks with him, and gave me the courage to publish my blog. A month later, the blog was just as I anticipated it to be at that level, I had started working on a business plan, school was a mess – as always – family was great, friends were great, I even launched the business I had been working on in July 2019. I was at peace. Until we got to our ninth month.

You and I know how messed up the ninth and tenth month of our relationship was. Oh, and my journal. I think I lost it now. You know how my sister is sometimes, she must’ve packed it somewhere in the laundry room when its presence annoyed her in her bedroom. My journal has everything. Maybe I’ll come across it when I least expect to.

I wrote a little less in those months, read a lot less, and didn’t drink as much water as I would usually do. Water. This just reminded of a piece I wrote the other day. Let me share it with you.

“Wednesday 4th December 2019, in the early evening, just before I went home from a long and tiring day, something triggered me. And I suddenly felt uneasy, tired; I was in distress. I had zero appetite, and I did not wish to speak to anyone.

I was driven home, spoke to a friend after Maghrib prayers for a few minutes and fell asleep, right there, until 05:29 the next day.

I left the bed, freshened up, prayed, went back to bed and watched season two of SHE’S GOTTA HAVE IT on Netflix. About two hours later, I left the bed, fixed the bedroom, the rest of the house and finally took a very long refreshing shower. Upon my return to the bedroom, I looked out the window and noticed my mother sitting on a big log in the front yard. Very typical of me, I observed her – and wrote a short poem about her, again.

An hour later, I am blasting some 2005 jams in my mother’s living room, with some calcium bentonite clay mask on my face and reading a good book. Steal The Show was its title.

While doing all this, I had pending work that needed my attention, an exam the next day and another on the following day.

Approximately twenty minutes later, my face is washed and well taken care of, my body is covered in a navy blue and grey abaya, my hair is tied in a very simple and effortless turban and my feet, in house slippers. I then proceeded to go to my mother’s boutique. With my journal. Without my phone. Intentionally.

Sometimes, everything goes well. And other times, it doesn’t. Which ever might be the case, you still need to take a break. Or a break will take itself. Sometimes, even when life is good to you, you need some time off life – if that makes sense. Just some time to take care of yourself and your soul.

In fact, I drank about 2 liters of water that day, I sat down and wrote two different essays, ate well, listened to songs I haven’t heard in forever and felt peace. Inner peace.

It all reverts back to your soul.”

The last months of our relationship were average (just because I do not want to use bad) compared to the early months. There were days I didn’t talk to anyone, days I felt numb, days I was so broke I couldn’t even afford local transportation, and there were days I was so low that I lost it. Nonetheless, I must admit, you were best thing that ever happened to me. Not one day did I go without having food and water at my disposal, not once have I had to wake up wondering what my next move would be, not once did I land myself in any form of danger and not once did you make me feel like giving up.

So, if I ever appear ungrateful to you, forgive me; for I am anything but that. Life is full of ups and downs and uncertainties. And that is fine. You have brought me to terms with it.

2019. Thank you. Very much. In a few hours, our relationship ends, for good. A few months ago, I would not have known how I’d feel about parting ways with you. But today, I am certain that parting ways with you will bring me goodness.

You know, throughout my entire life, not once have I written a new year’s resolution. I was never one to say, “new year, new me.” But considering what you have thought me, perhaps it is time for a change. Perhaps after tonight, I will lay in bed, and I will dictate my new year’s resolution on my phone, until I fall asleep. Because even as bad as the last months of our relationship were, you have showed me that when I have things I wish to achieve or do written down and give myself a time frame, I actually work towards achieving it.

I wish I could share them with you. But I am writing them on January 1st 2020 precisely to avoid your knowing of it. You will be in my past in just a few hours. So I send you love and my last words.

- Thank you for simultaneously being the best and worst thing that happened to my life. I had just as much of good times as I did of bad ones. While the bad times created life-long lessons, the good times will forever remind me of the blessings you brought my way. My good friends, both new and old, stayed with me through it all. And for that, I am forever grateful. There were a few achievements you helped me obtain. And someday, I will write about them, and about you. It was a pretty stressful relationship. Surprised me that I survived it. That is one of my greatest achievements from our twelve-month relationship. It aches my heart a little to say goodbye, but I am genuinely looking forward to meeting 2020. Hopefully, he will be a better lover than you were.

With love,

Forever and always,

Maryaam