A POEM

I wasn’t enough

See, I’d put all my effort into the dish I was preparing

But a French fry from it and it was pushed away.

16 hours of studying, sleepless nights and darkened circles under my eyes

Yet 1 mark becomes a barrier

Between universities and I

All day, everyday I’m helping with house work

Hunched are my shoulders, because of the weight it carries

But I forgot to wash the glass, and I’m yelled at. Not thanked

Then I’m with friends. Or so I thought

But I laugh and they all stare at me

I pose for a picture and they laugh

I smile and they call it ugly

I play a song for them and they don’t listen

They play theirs and they all sing along

But the music doesn’t sound pretty to me.

But then, my thoughts don’t matter

Do they?

I am accused of a sin I didn’t commit

By my own father

And when I try to defend myself

There is no hesitation within him

To connect the palm of his hand to my cheek

We meet the other day

Made eye contact and all

We talked for a while

Got close and hung out

2 minutes after I get home

He called to ask if I got home safely

5 months later and we don't talk anymore

No text

No call

We don’t even see

But of course,

I do not deserve him.

I got a stain on my skirt

And my neatness is compared

To that of my cousin’s

My skin tone and way of talking

Compared to that of the girl next door

I’m wearing a skin tight dress

“Look at her friend

So much prettier”

So I was taught to be envious

“Disguise yourself”

My sister would say to me

“No one will like you as you are”

As the comparison never stopped

Jealously grew within.

But once in a while,

I wish they’d see the best in me and not the mess in me

For I felt myself running outta lives

But I’ve grown to accept

That this is my fate

That I will never be good enough for anyone

Or anything

That I am simply insufficient

And I’ve also accepted

That this is no fault of mine

For I was entirely broken

But you know how they say sometimes

Good things fall apart

So better things can fall in place

A decade later and I tell you otherwise

Honestly it took too much to get here

To get this much of self love

Of self appreciation

And self sufficiency

I recall being envious of a friend

At the age of 11

Two years later and I believed that I was ugly

For another 3 years

That I could never be close to beautiful

I recall being 16 when realization of the fact that

Everything beautiful has a consequence hit me

Grew up so the opinions of others were irrelevant

Jealousy wasn’t in me no more

Neither was envy nor hatred

I put myself first

Ensured I was happy first

Looked the way I felt like

Laughed however I felt like

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

#fiction #poetry